This is not a feeling that I frequently embrace, in fact I am not entirely sure when last I have. Yes sometimes I have indulged in the solid dark sin. What the hell, sometimes I have indulged in a whole block.

But tonight, being a Saturday evening, faced with the task of taming the contents of my laundry basket, well I couldn’t resist. So I opened the cupboard above the old electric stove with the spiral elements and reach for a deep red and gold sachet of Nestle Double Blend.

(Sound Effect: Vinyl record abruptly stopping.)

“Everyone has a price, mine’s chocolate” should have been the first sign that I was not the target market for this product!

Firstly the back of the product is all capital letters, strangely reminiscent of my neophobic mother’s text messages. “SURRENDER TO THE INSTRUCTIONS TO INDULGE IN THIS SMOOTH HOT CHOCOLATE”....?

The nauseating description continues: EMPTY ONE SACHET INTO A MUG AND STIR IN HOT WATER THOROUGHLY. Some how in the back of my mind I had Renée Geyers cheese grater voice reading these lines.

In addition to the before mentioned instructions the packet espouses the following: FOR A MORE SENSUAL, CREAMY HOT CHOCOLATE JUST ADD A DASH OF MILK. Dammit it is a Saturday and therefore I need my hot chocolate to be sensual!

My instructions would be:

“You had a hard day. You don’t normally have hot chocolate but don’t worry it is easy as: emptying the contents of this sachet into your favourite mug. Now fill the mug with hot water and a little bit of milk if you wish. Stir and enjoy.”

See now that would make me happy and less like a single guy ironing his washing on a Saturday evening.